"One more story" and other bedtime delays

"One more story." "I need water." "My blanket is wrong." "There is a noise." Every parent knows the list. A child who delays bedtime is not being naughty. Bedtime means saying goodbye to you for the night, and a small child will do a lot to put that off. The answer is not to be stricter. It is to be clearer and warmer at the same time.

"One more story"

Decide the number before you start, and let the child choose which stories. "Tonight we read two. You pick them." When the second one ends, the answer to "one more" is already known, and you can say it with a smile: "Two was the plan. Tomorrow you can pick two again." Then keep the promise the next night. If you sometimes give in after enough pleading, the child learns that pleading works, and will plead for longer.

A small trick: let the last story of the night always be a very short, very quiet one, such as Soft, Soft Rain. It signals the end better than any words.

Water, toilet and other "needs"

Build them into the routine, before the story: a drink of water, a visit to the toilet, the favourite toy found and placed. Then say, "Everything is done." For children of about four and above, a "bedtime pass" works well: one card, which can be handed over for one extra request after lights out. Once it is used, it is gone until tomorrow. Many children end up keeping the pass unused, just because having it feels good.

Afraid of the dark

Fear of the dark is common from about three to seven years, when imagination grows faster than understanding. Do not laugh at it and do not argue with it.

• Use a small night lamp, or leave the door open a hand's width.
• Name the sounds of the night, as Nani does in Goodnight from the Hills: the fan, the fridge, the neighbour's gate. A sound with a name is less frightening.
• Do not search for monsters under the bed. Searching says that there might be one. Say simply, "You are safe. I am just outside."
• Avoid frightening stories, cartoons and news in the evening.

Getting out of bed again and again

Walk the child back each time, calmly, with as few words as possible: "It is sleep time." No scolding, no new conversation, no extra hug that becomes a reward. The first nights may need this many times. It usually fades within a week if nothing interesting happens when the child gets up.

"Stay with me"

If your child wants you to stay until sleep comes, you can, and many families do. If you would rather not, leave in small steps. Sit on the bed for a few nights, then on a chair beside it, then by the door, then outside it. Or promise a check: "I will come back in five minutes to see you." Come back when you said you would. A child who trusts that you will return finds it easier to let you go.

What not to do

• Do not use bed as a punishment in the daytime. Bed should be a good place.
• Do not threaten ("no story tomorrow"). The story is part of what makes bedtime work.
• Do not start a new, exciting activity to "tire the child out". An over-tired child settles worse, not better.

When to ask a doctor

Ask for advice if your child's fears are strong enough to upset the day as well, if there are frequent nightmares or night terrors, loud snoring or pauses in breathing, or if sleep problems go on for more than a month despite a steady routine. This page offers general parenting guidance and is not medical advice.

A steady order of steps prevents most delays before they begin: see a simple bedtime routine.